waiting to be filled.

FORGIVE ME OF MY REBELLION.
FORGIVE ME FOR NOT FOLLOWING YOUR UPRIGHT WAY.

TAKE AWAY MY REBELLIOUS SPIRIT – ALLOW ME TO ENJOY EACH MOMENT, TO ENJOY THE MOMENTS THAT I NO LONGER TAKE DELIGHT IN. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO OFFER. I MISS YOUR INTIMACY … I FEEL AS IF YOU HAVE LEFT ME.

OH GOD, HOW I LONG FOR YOU, AS IF YOU WERE NOT NEAR.
YET, YOU OH GOD ARE FAITHFUL AND SO, I WILL NOT FEAR.

I WILL PRAISE YOU AND WORSHIP YOU EVEN THOUGH I AM IN A VALLEY. I FEEL WEAK AND EMPTY, SO I CALL ON YOUR GRACE. LIFT ME UP OH MASTER – FILL ME WITH YOUR LOVE AND SHINE YOUR RADIANCE OVER MY FACE. I FEEL AS IF ALL I DESERVE IS DISGRACE. HELP ME FATHER, HELP ME JESUS & HELP ME HOLY SPIRIT.

I CLIMB UP THIS MOUNTAIN!
WAITING TO BE LIFTED.
WAITING TO RECEIVE PRAISE.
AM I THE ONE WHO THINKS I AM WORTHY, OR IS HE THE ONE WORTHY OF PRAISE.

I FORGET THE TRUTH AND SO I RUN AWAY- FAR AWAY TO A SECRET PLACE; WHERE I FIND HOPE. BUT IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. MY EYES KEEP CLOSING, THEY CAN NOT TAKE THE LIGHT, WHICH BURNS THOUGH THE LIES. PROMISING SOMETHING WITHOUT THESE DEEP CRIES.
RESCUE ME.
SAVE ME.
HEAL ME… ONLY BUT DEMANDS

FATHER I FEEL NO REST – EVERYTHING IS SO COMPLEX.
BREAK DOWN THESE WALLS. BREAK DOWN THE HURT SO I CAN UNDERSTAND MY SELF-WORTH, YET IT STILL FEELS SO EMPTY, SO EMPTY.

EVERYTHING WEIGHS DOWN AS I TRY TO PICK MYSELF UP. BUT NOTHING OR NO ONE HELPS ME. LEFT ALONE AND STILL EMPTY. I HAVE BEEN CALLED TO A HIGH POSITION BY THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES YOU WISHING. BECAUSE HE SATISFIES ALL MY NEEDS. HE GIVES ME STRENGTH WHEN I FALL TO MY KNEES. OH HOLY ONE HOW I LONG TO BE WITH YOU.

our front door view.

do we all think the same?
. obviously not .

Yet, i don’t mean … like/dislike, agree/disagree, enjoy/don’t enjoy, etc.
But rather, actually perceive & process things the same as the person
next to us. Is our time perception the same, memory intensity similar?

i dunno?
i wanna know!

sometimes i want to be someone else for a day solely for that reason.
to see how they collect everything in their brain & how it processes.
Not to do what the other person does, but to ACTUALLY know how they think!

BRILLIANt.

& it is, useless.

In today’s society, many of us do not fully appreciate the things we have, because we believe we are entitled to them. 
what is it that makes us believe we have such a privilege?  
This idea of entitlement, is extremely prevalent today & it eats up so much of our potential to be. 

… to be truly thankful.
… to be loving. 
… to be appreciative. 
… to be respectful.
… to be creative.  
… to be our ancestors.
… to be who Christ created us to be?  

how is it that we, being beyond “un-entitled”, have this idea in our head, which keeps us from being so much of who God has created us to be?

Sometimes, I sit back and wonder:
When are we ever really thankful, or does “thank you” come out of obligation &/or habit?
How hard is it to love someone unconditionally when we have ourselves to love?
Are we even capable of appreciating what should be appreciated?
Who do we respect if we already expect to be respected ourselves? 
What is creativity, only existent in the world of technology?
Will we ever think about where we came from, or continue to push forward as quickly as possible?

Let’s not forget who Christ has created us to be.

Looking Back.

 

I stumbled upon a few old notes that I thought would be interesting to read a few years later. Hopefully they are at least somewhat interesting…

 

I never imagined so many people to turn out the way that they did. The way we all go on in our lives with out really thinking about how we change personally, but we always manage to keep track of how others transform into new characters. When we decide who we are, that is when we are suppose to understand and realize what we want. Although it seems like that could be an easy task, it never ends up to be so. 

Living life, enjoying memories, sharing experiences, along with many other things, are what shape us into who we are. Our living conditions and upbringings direct us into our life style that follows us through life. God knows where He wants us and knows where we will end up and that is one indescribable thing that we will never understand, yet we still all try our best to pull off knowing every detail about it. Taking details that we hear from many different sources and applying them to how we consider ourself to be as a human being. Once we think we understand the concept we begin to feel more secure and complete.  I believe, even when we decide we are at this point, we will still  have much more growing to do. 

The incredible journey that we travel is something that must be accepted. Everyone has been given the chance to make his or her own decisions, with that we can only prosper or fail and to prosper we are obligated to try. Life has it’s way of repeatedly tossing us around until we can defend ourselves, with out having to run to others in search of aid. Of coarse, we are given those “others” to help us along the way, but to exceed further  there must be some action of independence. The balance between the two is somewhat irritating to understand because it is quite hard to obtain an even mature balance. So, as we grow older through the years it should follow with us in our own maturity, if not, we must teach ourselves to nurture such a balance that we can be Independent along with Dependent. 

7/24/06

 

 

 

“Someone of integrity won’t violate a confidence” (Proverbs 11.13)

To withstand the energy of a secret takes more than just a trust worthy person. Secrets build up inside of you, they create such a tension that you can barely stay focused on normal activities and they distract you from staying sane. Some may call them secrets while others just refer to them as topics of discussion that must not be talked about; maybe just at certain times or around certain people. We all know what it is like, to be told something so outstandingly exciting that we must go share it with someone else or we may just burst right there on the spot. So of course we go running into someone else who does not even know much of this subject, but we stand there babbling to them, on and on, not caring about what they actually think of the matter. This is just one example, of the many circumstances we may face when dealing with being told something of great value. This great value, being the level of status this information can take you to. Who knows why we all strive for that attention, why we all seek to be the one who knows so much information that everyone else should know too. We must all be full of such an amazing sin that overtakes our own personal will to be sinless and completely free of evil. The battle inside of us is so deep, so strong it leaves such a helpless feeling. Stress builds up inside, not allowed to be let outside because we all hold it in. And i need to go to bed because my thought flow is no longer flowing…. 

7/27/06

 

 

 

who knows where life  brought me from… where it will take me or when I will become complete in Christ? 

SOLO CRISTO. Only Christ. none other. 

As I look back on the things I wrote right after I graduated I am astonished at the complexity of my thinking. How they were formed and taken from the sea of my thoughts and physically typed out into a document that will hold them, waiting patiently to be opened at any moment to be reminded of the importance to think. How strange it is to read the thoughts I had for only a few minutes. The thoughts that quickly pass through my mind, only to be forgotten unless taken down someplace to later be discovered! They are grand thoughts, even if they mean nothing because either way, they come from a mind that was given as a gift to us by our creator. Who created us in His image allowing us to ponder and wonder about such things that bring us happiness or joy. Thinking… what a gift it is!

7/6/08 

 

 

 

“wholeness is what I desire, but I am broken, broken in pieces.” 

 

8/20/08